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Mar 10th, 2005 - 15:34

NEW YORK -- The business world is excitedly chattering about a new IPO today by the Edible Gentlemen Corporation of Manhattan, a rapidly growing business whose popular line of edible gentlemen include Victorian, Edwardian and Highly Eccentric Dandy flavors. Their famous slogan - "bite the head off a real man, but for heaven's sake be polite about it" - has made them the snack of choice in certain quarters of Great Britain, who approve of their gentrified approach to brutal cannibalism. Tony Blair is on record as saying "mmm, brains," and the Queen is also said to be a fan.

Edible Gentlemen are set to debut at $1 a share, but the price is expected to increase sharply by the end of the day.

Harris Tweed

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Feb 20th, 2005 - 16:35

LONDON -- President Bush's imminent "charm offensive" trip to Europe has serious ulterior motives, smelly European scientists believe. Dr Otto Strobenwurst, a prominent Welsh psychologist, believes that the eponymous Mr Bush intends to "brainwash" major world leaders into complying with his "dreadful will".

"His eyes are very shiny," Dr Otto told this publication, "and they can mislead you. Mr Bush says he is coming here to make friends, but I think he is trying to win support for an imminent attack against Iran. And possibly he seeks participation in his wider War Against Terror."

Dr Otto's controversial findings will be published in the November issue of Nature.

Koko Graspwich

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No News "Good News", Lazy Journalists Proclaim
Mar 8th, 2004 - 16:02

The National Union of Journalists, as part of a conference this month, have announced the benefits of lazy journalism. "No news," union spokeswoman Jane Hargood told Rum and Monkey, "is definitely good news, especially for us. If nothing's going on - and we can make nothing go on, because we are the news, brother, then we can kick back with a couple of beers and watch the sunset from the roof of our office building. In fact, more often than not, we get shitfaced - and it's helpful if we're not having to report anything at the same time."

The Inaction in Journalism conference - running until March 21st at the Kensington Olympia centre - also intends to promote activities such as allowing interns to write entire articles and seizing all the credit for yourself, strict adherence to the govenment line and alcohol abuse on cable news. All of these, journalists claim, "add to a profound sense of social bliss. At least for us."

"After all," Harwood said, winding up our interview, "critical thinking just leads to war and headaches."

Ben Werdmuller

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Timberlake Apologises For Accidental PR Stunt
Feb 3rd, 2004 - 18:21

Houston, TX -- Perv-funk popstar moptop muppet Justin Timberlake apologised today after offending television networks, football officials and conservative parenting organisations with what turned out to be a gratuitously offensive Superbowl halftime show. While organisers have been quick to downplay it as an accident, many of those same groups smell a rat, believing it to be a music industry sponsored PR stunt.

"It was a neck malfunction," Timberlake, who pulled pop legend Janet Jackson's head clean off and urinated into her ear, told a press conference this afternoon. "But I totally understand why everyone's so upset, unh hee-hee."

Human rights group Amnesty International is said to be keen to use Timberlake to get the other Jackson.

William Burr

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Branding Disaster For New Labour
Feb 2nd, 2004 - 16:42

London, UK -- The political world is all a-flutter with the news that "Tony Blair" translates into Japanese as "thrusting against the crimson tide". The branding disaster occurred in the mid-nineties, when "John Smith" was deemed an advertising disaster and swiftly replaced.

"We do try to avoid these mistakes," a spokesgromit told us earlier, "but inevitably, these things happen. 'Brad Pitt', for example, means 'help me mother, my face is on fire' in over seventy-three languages."

Other linguistic errors have included Coca Cola, which famously translates as "bite the wax tadpole" in Chinese, and SCO, which translates as "we enjoy dancing around our own entrails" in Latin.

William Burr

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All Businesses Directly Competing With Americans Shut Down Due To Terrorist Threat
Jan 31st, 2004 - 16:12

WASHINGTON D.C. -- President Bush this morning announced that all foreign businesses with a higher market share than their American counterparts would be shut down with immediate effect, due to the impending terrorist threat. "They're full of evil men who mean to destroy us," Bush confirmed at a press briefing. "They are evil and will be vanquished."

"Evil," John Ashcroft confirmed. "And evil deserves to perish. America and the forces of good will prevail."

Affected businesses so far include British Airways and Air France; more are set to follow over the next nine months.

Ben Werdmuller

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Volumes Are For Pussies, Area Man Says
Jan 19th, 2004 - 15:15

Brooklyn, TN -- We just wanted to write that headline. No story follows.

William Burr

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World Leaders Careers Day Is Resounding Success
Jan 14th, 2004 - 20:21

The annual World Leaders Careers Day - held yesterday across the globe - was a resounding success, analysts say. Britain's Prime Minister Tony Blair became a radio DJ for a day and said he "enjoyed it very much"; President Bush's desire to try being "a Martian" proved impossible to achieve, although he defiantly stated in a national address that he would be one someday.

The event was originally created to allow world leaders to better determine what they want to be when they grow up. Previous Careers Days have seen George W. Bush try his hand at being a fighter pilot and Tony Blair becoming a famous rock star.

Ben Werdmuller

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Saddam Hussein Caught - Nintendo Relieved.
Dec 15th, 2003 - 18:09

TOKYO - Sukado Nagamoto, spokesperson for Nintendo Company Limited, announced today that the Nintendo Company is grateful to the US Government for the capture of Saddam Hussien.

"Mario and Luigi, stars of over 100 games made by the Nintendo Company Limited, have come out of hiding upon hearing the news of Saddam's capture," Nagamoto said.

At a press conference later in the day, Mario and Luigi also expressed their relief. The pair, speaking from their hiding place in Monaco, revealed today how they have been pursued from one end of the globe to the other by wayward bounty hunters the entire time Saddam Hussein has been on the run. At one point, Mario said that he was nearly killed in an ambush by a giant monkey throwing barrels at him. If it weren't for his superior jumping skills, he would now be dead.

While both Mario and Luigi are reportedly happy to be able to walk the streets again, their troubles are far from over. Both are serving out driver's licence suspensions following their arrest over a Mario Kart accident in July. The pair were suspended from driving for two years as they were found to be under the influence of mushrooms at the time of the incident, after Luigi assaulted one police officer with a banana.

Gregor Stronach

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The Local Boys in Blue
Dec 6th, 2003 - 02:30

The East Roydon police are set to raise a few eyebrows this year with their new calendar. Inspired by the success of the Rylstone Women's Institute, whose saucy calendar was recently dramatised in the hit film "Calendar Girls" they have decided to go one step further and have stumbled into full-blown hard-core pornography.

"None of us were all that up for it to begin with," admitted WPC Rebecca "September" Chambers, "and to be honest I still don't like the idea. But I signed a piece of paper and now degrading images of me and my friends are going to be sold for money around the country. I feel so ashamed."

The calendar was the idea of PC Gavin Taylor, who also features in every single picture in the calendar. He is hopeful that it will prove popular. "It was just a bit of a laugh but if some needy people will benefit then where is the harm," he remarked. Asked which charity would be getting the proceeds from the calendar PC Taylor gave a guttural shriek and stamped on a pigeon.

Royd Payne

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